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Hottentots:

Hottentots came into being the Wednesday before the Stone Age began when a bridge troll and his wife were hit by lightning and were transformed into a new human sub-species.

The name ‘Hottentot’ is taken from the word “Khoehoheha” in the Khoekhoe language meaning “Hottentot”. The Hottentot people prefer to wear the name proudly in honor of the first Hottentot, whose name is unpronounceable in their language but which translates into American English as ‘Joe’.

Joe Hottentot and his wife (Hazel) had a bunch of kids who grew up to mate with bridge trolls, gremlins, Munchkins, and curiously, the French. In time, their numbers constituted a vast army bursting the seams of the Hottentots two bedroom home in the suburbs just outside the ancient city of Damascus.

At noon on March 5th of some random year in the Bronze Age, Hottentots became an invading horde who used japes, puns, sarcasm, and extreme violence to conquer the vast majority of the world, an empire the Hottentots held onto until 1895, when they went legitimate and became stock traders and Los Vegas magicians.

This was just a front, however.

Hottentots; small, hairy, greasy, vicious, horrible little bags of malodorous, bug-eyed venom armed with a quick retort and a shoulder-mounted tactical nuclear missiles, have grown subtle and sneaky. They try to drive you crazy before they use your head for a paperweight.

Did you mis-place your lighter? One of the odious little bastards took it. They use stolen lighters to light each other’s hair on fire to ‘cleanse the body and the spirit’ (they do not otherwise bathe) in honor of the first Hottentot King; Elmer The Loaded, who lit himself on fire for no reason at all in the midst of the Great Hottentot/ French Canadian War (1836- 1825), which the Hottentots won because the French Canadians were so astonished, they surrendered. This resulted in no change to the French Canadian region as it is populated with French Canadians.

Have you ever washed a pair of socks and only pulled ONE sock out of the dryer? Where do all of the missing socks go?

Hottentots.

They sneak in and steal your socks and then the Hottentot men wear them on their penises during the their yearly mating rituals (you have to know where to look to discern the difference between the males and the females, but no one wants to find out where that place is…). It is thought that only having sex once a year is one of the main reasons Hottentots are so violent and loathsome. That, and the fact that Hottentot men wear loin cloths with nothing on underneath in a land where the thistles are crotch high and cover the country (which reminds me of the old joke: “Q- What does a Hottentot wear under his loin cloth? A- If he’s lucky, lipstick!).

Just think about THAT for a minute…

Then, one day, when you’re just minding your own business watching cartoons, smoking a bowl, and checking out this weird rash that you seem to be developing on the inside of your thighs, when all of a sudden there is a knock on the door.

You THINK that you are opening your door to a couple of Jehovah's Witnesses, but no: they are just several hundred Hottentots in two Jehovah’s Witness costumes who BURST out and start crawling up your legs with knives in their teeth, saying just terrible, hurtful things about you, your parentage, and the exact species of your mother.

Then, they wreck your shit.

The world does not know that I take on the Dark Horde alone for the sake of Humanity itself, and that’s fine with me. I do not seek fame, nor do I seek fortune. I wish there to be no statues, nor do I want songs sung about me by choirs of children.

I WOULD like a pizza with double cheese, ham, pepperoni, green peppers, and onions, though.

I’m really hungry...